You know, it must be hard for satirical news sites like The Onion to compete with the real world these days—how can you mock a culture which contains blog posts with titles like "Things I Lift With My Vagina"? That's an actual article written by sex expert and vaginal weight lifter Kim Anami. She also practices the mysterious arts of vaginal kung-fu.
"I mentioned last week how I have embarked on a new global campaign to raise the awareness of vaginal superpowers." the post begins, before continuing, "This involves me traveling to different locales, and shooting images of objects indigenous to the regions. Being lifted with my vagina."
She's documenting the whole adventure on Instagram and it even has its own hashtag #thingsiliftwithmyvagina, in case you wanted to submit your own efforts. Now, it's easy to mock Anami but she claims there are many, many benefits to lifting things with your v-hole.
These include: more orgasms, better orgasms, eliminating urinary incontinence, a natural facelift (?), being able to shoot ping pong balls from your vagina which she says is "every woman’s God-given right," and making more cash. Or course.
"I assert that it’s more normal for vaginas to open beer bottles, smoke cigarettes and haul small household items." she claims. "This is the baseline for every vagina."
Check out the pictures below of Anami reaching way beyond that baseline, lifting everything from a surfboard to tropical Balinese fruit. Be sure to read the captions that go with each image too, for extra insight and vaginal enlightenment.
#Things I Lift with My Vagina New year, new vagina. It’s that time you’ve all been waiting for: Vaginal Kung Fu 2015. The free video series is up, as a preview to the upcoming 8-week salon. If you haven’t watched them yet, you can sign up for access. Link in bio. In celebration of this year’s salon, and to raise vaginal power—and pleasure— awareness globally, I have embarked on a new campaign: #thingsiliftwithmyvagina This educational challenge features me traveling the world, lifting objects indigenous to various regions, with my vagina. Stay tuned for my vaginal adventures. This is me in Venice Beach, with my special new surfboard carrier: my vagina. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkkungfu
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina The LA Series. One of my favourite restaurants on the planet is Cafe Gratitude in LA. Fully organic, with many gluten-free, vegan and vegetarian items. Great smoothie and juice bar too. I Am Divine is my favorite cold-pressed juice ever. Apple, lemon, ginger, beet. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu #yoga #reversewarrior #hydrationmakesgoodlubrication #juice #coldpressedjuice #nutrition #drinkyourveggies
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina The LA Series. Yo! I lift weights too. With my vagina! At Muscle Beach in Venice, lifting with the Muscle Up Kings. They were super impressed with my mad skillz. If you didn’t know, the world record for vaginal weight lifting is 31 pounds, held by Tatiana Kozhevnikova, from Russia. P.S. You might be (justifiably) distracted by the eye candy in this shot—don't miss the weight between my legs. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu #vaginalweightlifter
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina Sunset with amethyst crystal, Venice Beach. The LA Series. Are you shining your inner light? Are you integrating your sexual energy into all that you do? Your sexual, life-force energy is your power source. It lights up everything that you do in the world. In a culture that separates sex from, well, life, it’s no surprise that people dissociate from their sexual organs. That dissociation manifests as body parts that, because they have been so disowned, end up being cut off. Literally. Wombs are removed, prostates taken out and breasts chopped off. Ah, if only we loved our body parts more. Maybe they’d stick around. The worst case scenario is people being so disconnected from their sexual organs that they shrivel away. The best case scenario is that you are so in tune with your sexuality and you love your genitals so much that they grow and shine. Breasts can grow. Penises can grow. Vaginas become strong and sentient. I’ve experienced it myself and seen it in my lovers. In fact, this light o’genitalia is what all spiritual leaders talk about when they try not to talk about sex. Surely, it’s what Marianne Williamson was talking about in her famous quote about shining your light: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. So let your light o’genitalia shine. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu #lightogenitalia
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina The LA Series With donuts. These gluten-free, coconut-sugar sweetened, organic donuts—suspended from the depths of my vagina—are from Cafe Gratitude. The Maple and Coconut Bacon ones are insane. #glutenfree #healthyeating #vegan #sugarfree #coconuts #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina The Bali Series. Backbend with Lady Finger bananas. These tiny bananas, which grow in a fan shape, are the sweetest you’ll ever taste. One of my favourite tropical fruits. In Ubud, Bali. Lush, lush, lush. #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #tropicalfruitsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu
#thingsiliftwithmyvagina The Bali Series Lifting rambutans with my vagina. In the rice paddies. "Rambut" is Indonesian for "hairy." This hot red fruit has little green hairs on the outside of it. Inside is a fleshy, sweet fruit. It all sounds like a sexual metaphor, doesn't it? #thingsiliftwithmyvagina #tropicalfruitsiliftwithmyvagina #vaginalkungfu