Being a parent is quite possibly one of the hardest things you may ever have to do (or rather endure) in your life—and there is no hard and fast rule book to help you with the multitude of problems that might arise on the journey.
As your child develops from a tiny baby into a full-grown teenager, it's a path fraught with difficult decisions which need some practical application. From discipline to bedtime stories, recognizing and encouraging your child's talents, through to making sure as a teenager they are capable of integrating into society with all the life skills they need.
But don't despair, the internet is here to help you tackle all of these hurdles, and you just know that if it's on the internet it must be true, right?
So sit back and learn some of the best tips to raising a perfect child in the following educational videos.
Lesson 1: How To Discipline Your Kids
Showing your child right from wrong is very important, so make sure you get it right and they know the difference. Child abuse is wrong, but child abuse using a child acting like some kind of epic stunt man as his dad pretends to punch him in the face is totally right. When this little guy grows up, if he’s not the most sought after stunt guy in Hollywood then his dad is a failure. Remember to teach your child the mantra, "No pain, no gain—no Hollywood stuntman career."
Lesson 2: The Correct Way To Put Your Child To Bed
It's always important to remember that bedtime is a relaxed, calm and quiet affair. Your child needs to wind down from a hectic day of activity and learning and sugar consumption. Its stimulated mind will need to hear your soothing voice to coax them off to sleep. Here's the correct method to achieve a happy, content and sleepy child—and you won’t find this in any parent guidance books, I promise. Moms and dads out there, go grab a pen and paper or open up your Notes app and start jotting down what’s going on here. This is the ONLY way to get your kid to sleep, don’t worry about it scarring them for life, they’ll grow up just fine, just like Keith from The Prodigy.
Lesson 3: The Challenges Of Daycare
So where do kids go when their parents are out at work? Who looks after them so mommy and daddy can earn enough money to get them through college and fund their alcohol dependency? Yep daycare, where your beautiful child can learn to mix, socialize and bite other children. But lets face it, mommy and daddy's little angel might be another person's devil incarnate, so don't expect other adults to see your perfect child the same perfect way you do. OK, so they might have some slight behavioural problems that you haven't quite ironed the kinks out of yet, but I'm sure those trained daycare workers will understand and be sympathetic to them. Surely?
Lesson 4: How To Deal With The Problems That Arise During Those Difficult Teenage Years
This is when you need to draw on all of the skills you have learned along the epic and emotional journey of your child's development. Or if that fails just get angry and shouty. What the experts like to call 'tough parenting'. Sure it's heartbreaking and you might reach a point where you have to make a decision that no parent wants to make—but sometimes you have to go with your inner-feelings, make the right call and do what’s best for those you love. Here the parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to terminate her life because all she can do is sit around doing nothing but saying stuff’s “gay.” It’s a sad, sad world we live in, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
So there you go, armed with this invaluable knowledge and advice you should be able to raise a perfectly healthy child—and feel proud that you're a responsible, loving parent. Or just let the internet raise your child, it'll be a whole lot easier.